Moments, Captured In Words

Happiness is hearing your baby’s heartbeat for the first time.

After my miscarriage last year, I was quite hesitant to broadcast my pregnancy this time around. I couldn’t seem to hide it from people in the office though: I was quite sick and there was just no hiding it. A baby is always a wonderful blessing, and now I’m proud to tell everyone who cares that I am infanticipating again!

I still have to get over the nausea and “afternoon” sickness. In my case, I usually get sick towards the end of the day, which in my estimation is so much better than throwing up in the morning. At least I don’t feel so crappy all day.

Please help me pray for a safe, healthy pregnancy!

Raising a toddler is lots of fun, but there sure are moments when it requires tons of patience and creative thinking. Eowyn, for one, is developing her own strong personality and even if I find that quite amusing at times, I must admit I don’t always know how to best handle her tantrums and difficult behavior. Here are a few things I’ve learned along the way though (just thought of sharing it in the hopes that some desperate mommy out there can find a ray of hope with this):

Give her options. When Wyn refuses to do something I ask her to, I try to give her an alternative. Whether it’s food, clothes, activities or what-have-you, giving her a second option seems to do the trick. When she’s being stubborn about wearing a dress, I offer her two choices and ask her to pick one. It’s much easier to dress her up once she’s picked her outfit of choice. It’s the same with food: she’ll readily eat brocolli after telling me she prefers it over corn. Maybe it’s the sense of independence that appeals to her, but whatever the reason, doing this is guaranteed to create results!

Give-and-take. If the first trick I mentioned doesn’t work, then I compromise. If she doesn’t want to take a nap and insists on playing with her toys instead, I don’t force her to go to bed right away. I let her continue playing but I also firmly tell her that she needs to sleep soon. After a few minutes, I simply ask her if she wants mommy to read a book to her (which works 99% of the time because she’s such a bookworm). Once she’s said yes, we’ll read a book and I’ll tell her that she needs to nap after we finish reading it. I’ve learned that Wyn is more willing to do what I tell her to if I let her have her way, but I also make it clear to her that she has to follow mommy’s rules too.

Time out. Wyn is at her most terrible when she’s in the middle of a tantrum. Because she refuses to listen to reason and nothing I do will make her stop crying, I’ve found that the best way to handle her is to put her in a quiet spot (i.e, the bedroom) and let her cry it out. Before leaving her alone, I tell her that she can come out once she’s done crying. While it also breaks my heart to hear her sobbing non-stop, sometimes it really is the only way. I check on her whenever there’s a lull in the crying. Occasionally, she’d fall asleep, exhausted. Every so often, she’d call me and say she wants to go out of the bedroom (and then she’s done with her tantrum).

Deal or no deal. To prevent horrible behavior from coming back or to get her to do what I want, I try to make a deal with Eowyn. One of the things she likes to do is bite me or hit me on the face. Then we made a deal about no more biting and hitting mommy. Every once in a while, she forgets and then I remind her about our deal and she would stop. We also make deals on other things: sleeping after reading three books, putting her toys away after bath time, eating a meal after or while watching her favorite cartoon, etc. To seal the bargain, I make her promise and when she reneges, I’ll tell her that she promised mommy so she should do it! It doesn’t always work (hey she’s only two and a half!) but at least I tried.

Hugs and kisses galore. When Wyn is sick and crabby, giving her lots of hugs and kisses always makes her feel better and happier. My undivided attention is healing in itself, I guess. I mean, who doesn’t want to be pampered?! Kissing the booboo on her finger, knee or head makes the pain go away too!

So these are my trade secrets.  Please share yours too! 

No, this does not concern Dan.

The biggest surprise I got today was Eowyn reading her name!

In the past, when I tried to teach her how to read, she’s always indifferent. She can recognize the alphabet and knows the sound of the letters, but stringing them together always bored her. I started with basic words like cat, dog, mom, dad, and of course her name, although “Eowyn” is a mouthful to say and spell.

When Wyn asked me to draw on her magic erase board today, I began with writing the letters of the alphabet. She named them all one by one. And then, I wrote her name and asked her if she could read it.

“Yes, mommy!” She quipped. “Eowyn!”

I was stunned, speechless. I couldn’t believe my ears! I never thought she would remember, never thought she paid attention all those times! But she did… and I am still in seventh heaven now! Seeing her achieve this milestone is just priceless. My Valentine is now complete.

It’s Friday afternoon, and I’m sitting here in my cozy little cube in the office, listening to Parokya ni Edgar songs on my iPod.  I’m looking forward to the Steelers-Arizona game on Sunday.  Already I’m planning the menu for a Super Bowl dinner that I’m hosting for Dan and Wyn: chicken wings, onion rings, cheese and crackers, baked beans, and maybe blueberry muffins or chocolate cake. It will be fun!  I’m fairly certain that the Steelers will win - but then again I’m biased because I’m a big fan of Big Ben and the rest of the team.  Who would have thought I’d be crazy over football?  I don’t have one sporty bone in my body and the only “sports” I play is jackstone.  (Hey, that should count, right?) 

Anyway, on to more serious things.  I just got the news this morning that I was accepted to the Leadership Academy at work.  This is a program aimed at preparing  employees for upward career mobility through academic training and mentoring experience.  I’m very excited about this opportunity!  I chose grant writing and management for my area of study because this is a field I had always wanted to learn more about.  It will be challenging but I’m cool with that.  Bring it on!

Ice, ice, baby

The ice storm that besieged us last weekend was fabulous - aesthetically speaking, that is. I was in awe of the beauty of it all: icicles hanging down the roof outside our living room window, tree branches coated with ice and sparkling in the sunlight, the landscape blanketed in white. Dan had to remind me how dangerous the ice really is before I snapped out of my romantic perspectives. Thankfully, we were safe and warm at home… unlike so many others in the area who lost power and were without any heat in their abodes for days.

Eowyn speaks…

I cannot even begin to emphasize how much fun Wyn really is these days. She can carry on a conversation with me, although there are times when I must admit I have no idea what she’s saying. Here are some of her funny phrases lately:

- Handing her a blueberry muffin, she gleefully exclaimed:  “Mmmmm, this is very purple!  So yummy, so delicious!”

- Wanting to get daddy’s attention, she hollered out to Dan: “Hey, look at your daughter!”

- At whim, she would call me “mother” and Dan “father”

- Annoyed by the sunlight streaming in from the car window, she yelped: “Noooo… go away, sun! Go away!”

- Trying to tuck her doll in bed, she said soothingly: “Now, close your eyes… and snort!” 

- Singing along with Yo Gabba Gabba, she intoned two phrases that caught my attention and made me smile: “Family trick” (instead of family tree) and “bank and forth” (instead of back and forth)

- After repeated appeals not to look at her and not getting what she wanted, she scolded me: “Noooooo! Stop! I told you three times!”

- When Dan and I laughed after hearing her say that, she reproached us: “It’s not funny!”

- Looking for ducks and geese on the pond which we always pass on the way to work everyday, she argued with Dan when he told her that they flew off to warmer places: “Oh no, daddy. They’re just sleeping!”

The sweetest thing

While driving to work yesterday morning after having gone to court for traffic violation, I asked Dan if he’s relieved that he could finally put this matter behind him. He nodded and told me I had no idea how worried he was about it. He had run over an old lady one rainy morning last month and while he mentioned that incident to me, he never let on how concerned he really was about the whole thing. Pouting, I inquired that as his wife, shouldn’t I be entitled to share his burdens? Without missing a beat, he asked me back: “Well, as your husband, aren’t I also entitled to shield you from needless worries especially when there’s little that you can do about it?” I fell silent and was very touched with his reply. Dan is not only my rock, he is also the cocoon that constantly protects me from the harsh realities of life. I am lucky to have and be loved by this wonderful man and always, I am thankful of that.

I am almost convinced that Friendster is in a declining state. The site has been down a LOT during the last couple of days and worse, I just discovered that more than 300 strangers had been added to my friends’ list! Grrrr.

Let me get this straight - I do NOT “collect” friends on Friendster. I want everyone who is on my friends list to be people I know. I never add anyone who is a stranger to me, simply because I post private and personal information on this site and I just don’t want anyone to be able to access that. I know that there are many people who add friends left and right - and that’s fine too - but it’s just not my preference. Sorry.

So I am really quite upset to discover that my friends list suddenly ballooned to more than 500 contacts! I don’t even know half these people - and that is just the start of my problem. When I try to delete these unknown people who have somehow invaded my personal network, they keep cropping back up! What am I supposed to do?!

I have resurrected my Multiply profile and to ice the cake, I have also created an account with Facebook. Take that, you Friendster folks! If service continues to go downhill, I’ll move somewhere else.

A plea to my “legitimate” friends who also have accounts in Facebook or Multiply: please send me your email addresses so I can add you there too. Thanks to all those who already added me in Facebook, btw. It’s a cool site!

There is no denying that I am a shopping freak. Like many other ladies out there, I just can’t resist great bargains and deep sales. My closet is overstuffed with clothes, shoes, handbags, and other accessories… and unfortunately, I think I have trained Eowyn to be a shopaholic as well. Tell her that you’re taking her to the store and she’ll be up and ready and waiting by the door in an instant! *smiles sheepishly*

While I try not to let brands dominate my shopping rationales, I must admit that I do have a lot of branded items in my wardrobe. I will never hesitate to choose quality over name… but hey, if you can get quality name-brand items at dirt-cheap prices, why not? I’ll let the cat out of the bag: I almost never pay full price for all the designer pieces I own.

And because times are tough right now and I know many of you will appreciate some money-saving tips, I’ll share my secrets with you guys.

Buy online. Believe it or not, the internet is one of the greatest places to shop. There are a lot of online stores that offer tremendous discounts on products that will otherwise cost you a pretty penny if you buy them on department stores like Macy’s. Check out 6pm.com for great deals on shoes and handbags! I was able to buy items for up to 80% off the retail prices. They carry name brand items such as Naturalizer, Guess, Anne Klein, Crocs and Nine West, to name a few. It’s also a good idea to check out the website of your favorite shops. Every now and then, they will offer promotions that are not available in-store. Victoria’s Secret often doles out a $15 discount and free shipping for purchases over $100. Check out retailmenot.com for current coupons and promotion codes!

Big Crumbs. Want to get a cut from the money that you just splurged buying stuff online? I am a subscriber of Big Crumbs and every month I get a certain percentage of the total amount I spent that month - no strings attached! All you have to do is go to their Web site and click on the link for the retail store you want to shop at before making a purchase. You can also create bookmarks for all the sites you often visit so you don’t have to log in to the Big Crumbs site everytime you shop. There are no extra costs, no hidden fees to join. I’ve been a member for over a year now and they never charged me anything. Amazingly, I always receive money (sometimes as much as $20) on my paypal account every month. Send me a message if you want a referral!

Think ebay. I buy a lot of stuff on ebay, from baby clothes to winter coats. I always look for NWT (new with tags), NWOT (new without tags), or EUC (excellent used condition) items that are listed. I usually never spend more than $15 on any item, and you will not believe the loot that I have gotten so far: coats from Bebe, Guess, and CK; Gymboree lots for Eowyn; brand new sweaters from Gap, Jones NY, Liz Claiborne, and Nine West; skirts from Ann Taylor Loft, Banana Republic, Express and Limited - and this is just the tip of the iceberg!

Clip coupons. Before you head out to go shopping, make sure that you look for printable coupons online first. Just type “printable coupons” on Google and you should be able to find Web sites that offer a range of coupons for stores like Macy’s, JC Penney, Express, The Limited, NY & Cmpany, Borders, Children’s Place, and a plethora of other shops. Macy’s would often have coupons that would save you $10 for every $25 you spend — and this can be applied to sale and clearance merchandise too! By printing these coupons, you can save an extra 10% - 40% off your purchases!

Browse the clearance racks. Because sales of major retailers have been declining, expect to get deep discounts this season! I always make it a point to look at the clearance racks because they often have items that are selling for as much as 90% off the retail cost. A lot of stores would slash an extra 50% off already reduced merchandise, saving you even more money! Another tip is to talk to the floor manager and ask for a discount if you notice a missing button or slight defects on an item that you wish to buy. Chances are, you will get a price cut as well!

So, what else can I say? Have a wonderful weekend and happy shopping!

Toddlers are lots of fun, but there sure are times when they can be very exasperating. While Eowyn is generally an angel, she can be quite infuriating when she’s in one of her “playful” moods. No matter how much I tell her to settle down, she would refuse to listen until I would tell her daddy and Dan, in turn, bellows at her to listen to me.

Last Sunday night, Wyn was displaying her more effervescent disposition again. Since she had just eaten dinner and drunk a bottle of milk, I warned her to stop bouncing and running around. I was afraid that she would throw up again, especially since she’s still recovering from a cold and not 100% well yet. Wyn was in the bedroom with me while I changed the sheets, and she had the time of her life jumping up and down on the bed. Despite my numerous and stern attempts to reprimand her, she refused to listen and so my patience was really running thin.

And then it happened. Before I can even get her out of bed, she started retching and I was not quick enough to rescue my fresh sheets from getting spoiled. I probably should have been more sympathetic, but I was tired and I had enough of Eowyn not heeding my orders earlier. I took her to the bathroom, ran the hot water, and promptly placed her on the tub while I gave her a good scolding. “You should have listened to mommy! I told you to quit running around the house and jumping in bed, but you would not listen. Now look what happened… blah blah blah blah blah!” I would have gone on and on, until I heard Wyn’s tiny little voice meekly pipe up after I rhetorically asked her if she understood me.

Her exact words? “Yes, your majesty.”

It was all I could do to keep from laughing. I did manage to keep a stern expression, but quickly retreated from the bathroom to tell Dan all about it. I was overcome with fits of laughter as I realized how I must have sounded like the Queen of Hearts (from Disney’s Alice in Wonderland) as I berated my little girl. The joys of motherhood indeed! Wyn has made my life so much happier and more interesting each and everyday!

 Just as an afterthought:

Halloween Haunting Word of the Day: Ever (pronouned “ee-ver”). Eowyn calls her daddy’s carved pumpkin “ee-ver” (evil). She also uses the same word to mean “either,” as in “I have not seen the fairies ee-ver!” Cute, is it not?

Gratitude

I was in the shower yesterday when a thought suddenly hit me. Life is not perfect and I can easily complain about things that I wish can be better. But despite all that, I really am still blessed. Very blessed. My miseries, if at all, are nothing compared to those of countless other people who are suffering from hunger, poverty, war, ill health, rejection, loss of loved ones, and many other things. I am suddenly humbled by that thought and thankful for all the blessings I have in life!

Ube Jam

One of the greatest pleasures in life is eating ube jam! I have come to that realization last night as I savored the freshly made delicacy that I just cooked. Yum yum! I am so happy because it tasted almost exactly like the jam that my cousin, Ate Maritess, would make. Growing up, that was one of my favorite things… and it still is! I felt a little homesick but that feeling quickly faded as I relished, bite by savory bite, that purple slice of heaven straight from the pot. Mmmmmmmmmm!

Barack Obama

So we have a new president. It will be an interesting next four years as Barack Obama assumes the most powerful seat in the world. I am not at all convinced that he will deliver everything he has promised on the campaign trail. Change we can believe in? Perhaps. It’s more likely that this neophyte will make mistakes and get fresh doses of reality checks during his first year in office as he finds out that his policies are really not as sound as he thinks they are. I just hope that he can continue to keep the US and its territories safe from terrorist attacks the likes of 911, and put in place effective measures to curb the declining state of the economy. With democrats in control of the White House and of Congress, I shudder at what may happen. But Barack is Barack. Perhaps his magnetism and charisma can dissolve all the negative chi in the world today. God speed and all the best to you, Mr. President!

One of the scariest things about being a mom, at least for me, is when your child gets sick. I know that Wyn was not feeling well yesterday. She’s developing a cold and although she was her usual active, playful self, she was not eating much and all she ever wanted was milk. I could not even get her to eat her favorite broccoli!

It was bedtime last night and she just finished drinking a bottle of milk. The lights were already off when all of a sudden, she started coughing. Dan told me Eowyn might get sick, but even before he even said that, my instinct just somehow told me that she would. I sat up and got Eowyn right away — and then she was throwing up! I don’t know how I managed to get her out of bed and out of the bedroom so fast, but when we reached the living room, she had vomit all over the floor. My robe and her jammies were soaked with curdled milk and whatever was left of the chicken that she ate for dinner.

I almost cried from helplessness. This is certainly not the first time that I’ve seen this happen, but somehow I still haven’t gotten used to seeing Eowyn sick and miserable. It’s always a scary thing for me, more so now after I lost my unborn baby. I know, I’m such a wussy.

The funny thing though is that after Eowyn threw up, she was all full of energy. She wanted to play and jump around in bed. I kept asking her to settle down, but she wouldn’t listen… until dad bellowed at her and that made her cry. I saw the look on her face change from sheer joy to being scared and upset. It was heartbreaking and I hugged her as Wyn obediently, miserably laid back down. Her quiet sobs pierced my heart like little daggers, but I knew better than to console and give in to her. She needs to be disciplined. Still, I gave her a kiss and told her that she should always listen to daddy and mommy. She nodded and hugged me back.

All is right in my world again.

Trick or Treat

Eowyn had the time of her life trick or treating last Friday. The weather turned out better than I had anticipated, so I dressed her up as a fairy instead of as a pumpkin. From the time we left the house, Wyn was in a very good mood. She really enjoyed walking up to our neighbors’ doors and calling out “Trick or treat!”as loud as she could, with her goodie bag stretched out in front of her. And when she got the candies, she really beamed and expressed her appreciation with a hearty “Thank you! Happy halloween!”

She is still playing with all her candies at home. I let her eat a few chocolates, that’s all… but the rest of the sweets, she’s content to just play with. I’m not eating the sweets either, so daddy will have a bad case of toothache by the time he’s finished eating them all! Ha ha!

Election ‘08

I can’t vote, but if I am a betting person (which I’m not), I’ll put my money on Barack Obama.

That said though, let me get this clear: if I were a US citizen and entitled to participate in this year’s historic presidential elections, I’d likely cast my vote on John McCain. In my humble opinion, the maverick will make a much better president than the neophyte. Obama’s greatest asset is his charisma while McCain’s is his experience. The one guy is proven while the other is not. I can cite numerous other reasons too but I won’t go there. I know that politics is a very touchy issue for many people.

I don’t really dislike Obama. I just think he’s the less qualified candidate. I often lose on wagers though so I won’t be surprised if McCain pulls an upset tonight. We’ll see!

DST

Last Sunday, we gained one more hour as the Daylight Saving Time ended. I hated it. The time change screwed up my body clock. And worse, it’s getting darker a lot sooner now and I feel we are losing more daylight instead! Perhaps it is just me. I know that my body will adjust to this new time eventually but right now it is just hell for me. *sigh*

Sadly for me, winter came too soon, too early. Tuesday’s snow was no mere dusting - it was more like an early winter storm. By the time we were in the vicinity of our town, the weather turned for the worse. It was snowing heavily and the roads were slick and unplowed. I was forbidden to chit-chat in the car as Dan tried to concentrate on getting us home safely. Sure enough, as we approached the hill that led to our house, the car almost slipped off the road, thanks to the slippery slush that was everywhere!

happy pooper playing on the snow

Eowyn was one happy baby though. As soon as we got out of the car, she traipsed through the almost two inches of snow already on the ground and happily circled our yard over and over and over again. When I finally forced her to come inside the house, she shreiked and screamed and banged on the door begging to be let out. She settled down only after much coaxing and when I gave her a bottle of milk. (Whew, the joys of motherhood!)

The hillside right next to our property was blanketed in white. (This pic was taken Thursday morning, when most of the snow has already melted.)

When we woke up the next morning, the area around our property looked like a winter wonderland of sorts. An additional two inches or so of snow had fallen overnight and the trees and everything else, including the huge pile of firewood that Dan still has to stack, were covered in a blanket of pure white. Eowyn’s footprints in our garden from last night were totally erased from view. I could not believe it was only October. How can it snow this early? It’s too soon, way too soon especially for this tropical girl’s liking! But then Dan told me it does happen although he could not remember that it ever snowed this much.

So here we are, caught in the grips of Old Man Winter’s surprise early arrival. Suffice it to say that I, for one, am not thrilled. Bring summer back… fast! Please!

Today we had the first snow fall of the season. It is always a magical sight for me, but the wonder is mixed with a little bit of dread because I know that for the next five months, the weather will be cold!

I was working earnestly on a project when I heard Bill (our AVP) burst out singing “Here comes the snow…” (to the tune of “Here Comes The Sun” by the Beatles). At first I thought he was joking, but I stood up to take a look anyway. Now that I’m closeted in the back office, I don’t have the luxury of having those colossal windows anymore and seeing the outside world. But no regrets. I love where I am now too.

Seeing the snow swirling down in graceful arches took my breath away. The snowflakes were bigger than quarters, or perhaps about the size of five peso coins, in diameter and they were falling hard and fast. They quickly melted as they touched the ground, however, as the temperature is still too warm at this point.

So, what else can I say?

Winter’s here. *sigh*

I was reading an article about how pre-schoolers say the darndest things. As they learn more abut the finer points of grammar and expand their vocabulary, it’s not surprising that they often make oh-so-cute mistakes. And when this happens, I am sure a lot of mommies out there will agree that it is simply priceless. I must say I am not looking forward to the day when Eowyn speaks better English than I do and corrects me when I fumble for a word or two here and there. This stage of her development is just absolutely fun, and I do my best to enjoy it as much as I can, while it lasts.

Here is a comment I posted about that article in the parent center forum:

“My daughter is almost 29 months and everyday I too am amazed at how much she’s learning and how well she speaks. She talks in straight sentences and most of the time, her grammar is correct. I was so touched when I bumped my head on the table after I picked up a toy on the floor (yes, clumsy mommy!) and she asked me, “Does it hurt, mommy? Are you okay?” So sweet! 

She also makes me laugh when she invents her own words. On the way home from work one afternoon, she told her daddy and me “Look, it’s darking!” - meaning, it’s getting dark. She also quipped one night after we went to see her grandma: “I bye-byed the doggies and the kitty cat!” Indeed, this stage is so much fun and I’m just relishing it. I wish she will never grow up so fast!”

After almost four years of living in New York, I thought I’d cease to be amazed by the changing of the seasons. Again I was proven wrong yesterday as Dan took me out for a drive along the countryside. The scenery still takes my breath away!

Autumn is already at its tail-end. Most of the leaves have either turned color or fallen, the foliage a dazzling array of golden yellows and bright oranges and deep reds. Against a backdrop of deep blue sky and green fields, it was simply stunning to behold. I wish I had taken a camera with me, but alas, I never even thought of it until I saw how pretty it all was.

I was delighted to discover a small pond by the road that Dan and I often use when we go to Cobleskill. Hidden by the dense brush and tall trees during the summer, I never realized it was even there. There was also a narrow creek that runs by the side of the road that I’ve never seen before even if we’ve travelled this way numerous times before. Fall is unveiling its little surprises as the trees shed all its leaves!

Now I’m really happy that we bought a house in the country! The view is a lot more magnificent compared to being in the city. I would look out from our kitchen window and see a patch of woods and a stretch of hillside awash in gorgeous fall colors. Like a watercolor painting, the scenery evokes perfect autumn days I could only imagine before.

Bliss! I wonder what winter has in store for us next!

At one point I had thought that my memories of losing my baby would never dim. I was wrong. Like the pain, the memories fade a little each day too. Perhaps it is nature’s way of letting me heal. Not remembering it as vividly as I used to somehow eases my heartbreak. And yes, I am thankful for that. But while I am moving on, I know that in my heart of hearts, I will never forget this chapter in my life.

And here is my story.

The morning of September 25th started out like any other. I was in a rush, as usual, and doing my best to get Eowyn and myself ready and dressed as fast as possible so we can leave the house before 8:30. After dealing with Wyn, I went to the bathroom and was terrified when I saw blood, bright red blood, on the tissue when I wiped myself. With a sinking feeling, I knew right then that something was terribly wrong. I called Dan and asked him to phone the doctor’s office right away.

An hour later, we were at the clinic. I had hoped that it would be one of the midwives who would see me, but expectation turned to dread when a male doctor came in instead. Distressed as I was though, I didn’t really care as Dr. R examined me. All the time I was hopeful that everything would be okay, that my baby was safe and healthy. I was reassured when Dr. R told me his diagnosis: there is some bleeding in my uterus, my cervix is closed (which is a very good sign) and it’s looking like I’m having a threatened miscarriage. Just to be sure, however, he ordered an ultrasound for me to make certain that everything is fine and also to determine how far along I really am in my pregnancy.

Dan and Wyn went with me to the ultrasound room, but the little pooper started howling when she saw me lying down on the examination table. I noticed that Mary, the ultrasound technician, could not concentrate so I asked daddy and Wyn to just stay at the playroom instead. Minutes after scanning my tummy, Mary said she would need to do a vaginal probe to get clearer and better readings. I was a little nervous, but it was not really painful at all. Midway through that, Mary suddenly left the room and told me to wait for her. She came back with Dr. R in tow. The atmosphere was very tense as I watched their grave faces. All kinds of horrid thoughts crossed my mind as the minutes seemed to last an eternity. Finally, Dr. R patted me on the shoulder and told me that he’d see me in his office after I get dressed.

I don’t think I could ever have braced myself for the news as Dan and I listened to what Dr. R had to say. He minced no words, and informed us in a very straightforward manner that it is a non-viable pregnancy. The baby doesn’t have a heartbeat and their findings show that while I was already 8 weeks pregnant, the baby’s size is only that of a 6-week fetus. In short, the baby most probably stopped growing two weeks ago. Bluntly stated, the baby is dead.

That was when my tears fell. I did not want to cry in front of a stranger. I wanted to keep my grief to myself and share it only with Dan… but my whole world is turning to water. The shock and the disbelief did little to numb my emotions. I was consumed with bone-deep sorrow, and I sat there, holding back my tears but not succeeding as every drop of happiness left my heart. I’ve never felt so drained as Dr. R went on to explain why miscarriages happen and what we could expect next. It felt like my world had completely stopped turning and I was drowning, sinking in an abyss of unfathomable sorrow.

The next few days passed like a nightmare on slow motion. On Saturday afternoon, I started bleeding heavily and by early Monday morning, I passed the baby. I was in a very volatile emotional state, and the most trivial of things could easily make me cry. I felt like I would never smile again, that the wellspring of hope in my heart had died with my baby. I grieved. I cried. I prayed. And then I started pulling myself together.

While I lost an angel, it was not the end of the world. I still have Dan and Eowyn and their love has kept me strong. I found comfort in Dan’s arms and in Wyn’s smiles and in the many encouragement of family and friends. Life goes on… and here I am now still keeping the faith. I know that I am forever scarred with this tragedy but I’m trying to find meaning and happiness in the other tangibles in my life. I have a wonderful husband and a perfect daughter - that’s more than I can wish for, right? And so the smiles came back and I am feeling hopeful again.

Next year, mark my word, we’ll have another baby! And what a treat and blessing that will be!

Have a great weekend, everyone!

Frost

Today we had our first frost. The roof and our make-shift fence were all covered in a thin blanket of white, and while it was pretty to behold, my heart sank with the realization that winter is coming. Dan, on the other hand, is all cheerful and upbeat. I know that he is really looking forward to skiing this winter and the promise of that cheers him up. Well, now that I’m no longer pregnant and Eowyn is big enough to take skiing, perhaps we’ll go with him. That will be fun, I guess!

Mom!

For about a week now, Wyn has taken to calling me “mom” instead of “mommy.” I just think it’s cute. Here are some phrases she’d say every now and then:

• Where are you, mom?
• Mom, can I have this?
• Let’s watch Sunny Patch, mom!
• Look, mom!
• Mom, come on… let’s go!
• Mo-ommm! (This, when I tickle her.)

I’m not sure where she picked up the mom thing, but it always makes me smile when I hear her say it. She does so with the air and the flare of a big girl… but wait a minute, my baby is a big girl now! Aww, I do miss the baby Wyn. Time for a new one… I would have had a new one by April if I didn’t miscarry! Okay, here I go again. Better stop now before I make myself cry again.

Each day is a little easier than the last. Better, but still painful when I think of my loss. I guess the pain (and the grief!) will always be there, but at least now I’m able to smile again. Truthfully, there was a point when I thought I’d never heal, that the agony will only increase over time… but that is not so. Life goes on and I know I will emerge stronger after this ordeal.

When I was bleeding, I could not bear to throw the pads in the garbage. The first time I did that, I just broke down and told Dan there’s no way I’m doing it - how can I live with myself if I discard whatever’s left of my baby in the trash? So purposely after that, I collected each and every pad I used until I passed the baby and placed it all in a box.

Last week, Dan and I buried our baby. While it was nothing more than blood, our child is still a child to me. My grief is as intense as any mother’s who has lost one. Though I never held him in my arms, I already love him as much as I love Eowyn. We laid our baby to rest by the edge of our property, near a pine tree that Dan planted and where a little creek runs by. In a way, that gave me closure. Now I can move on and start again.

Thanks again to everyone who offered support and cheered me up when I needed it most. You know who you are, guys! I feel so blessed to have known you and to have you in my life.

So much can happen in the space of a month. So many things can change: pure joy can turn into deep sorrow, despair replaces hope… and a new life is snatched even before it can fully blossom. It’s almost cruel how fate turns the tables against you without warning. But that’s life. You have to move on. And deal with it.

I am feeling better now, thanks to the prayers and support of family and friends. A part of me will always grieve, I guess, but I have accepted the reality of losing my baby. What makes it so much easier for me is having Dan and Eowyn. Dan is my pillar of strength; he comforts me and gives me love beyond anything I can ever imagine. And Eowyn… how can I stay sad when I look at this smart, beautiful, healthy little girl with the face of an angel? She smiles at me and I am reminded of everything that is wonderful in this world. She hugs and kisses me, and all my sorrows melt away.

I believe that someday, Dan and I will have another baby as perfect as Wyn is. If I didn’t have her, I’m sure I would be terrified with the possibility of conceiving and failing again. But Wyn is living proof that another healthy baby is possible.  And (I’m smiling as I’m writing this) next year we’ll have another one. That’s a promise! Ha ha!

It feels as though the pain will never end. If I sit still even for just a moment and allow myself to think about it, my heart just breaks into a million pieces. Everything is so unreal to me. It’s not really happening, but it is. And my tears nor my guilt nor my silent prayers can’t bring my baby back.

Yesterday after we got back from the doctor’s, I was in a state of shock. Maybe I still am. Who knows? I don’t know. The smallest things upset me. The merest thought of the tragedy makes me cry. My emotions are very volatile and I am tired of crying. But I can’t stop. When is it going to stop?

Last night, I saw a bottle of coke in the fridge (Dan’s way of making me feel a little better, because he knows I love coke!) and my first words to him, instead of “thank you” were “This is not healthy… for the baby!” And then I burst into tears, realizing that my baby is no more. There is no heartbeat… He stopped growing two weeks ago. The doctor’s words echoed in my head. Unreal.

I am still bleeding, almost like I am having a very light menstrual period. Every drop of blood that comes out, though it is physically painless, is torture to me. My baby is fading from my body, leaving me as briefly as it had come. And even if he has never developed into a full-grown, mature baby, I already love him with all my heart. I guess it’s a sorrow only a mother who has lost a child understands. The pain is bone-deep and just sucks the energy out of me.

When the fog has lifted, maybe I’ll be okay. When the sun comes out from behind the clouds, perhaps I’ll feel better. But heaven is weeping with me right now - it’s a cold, dull, rainy day and the weather just complements my mood. I wish I can put everything behind me as easily as the weather changes. But that’s not the way it goes. I’ll grieve for who knows how long but I’ll be okay, I guess. Someday I’ll be okay.

Maybe, after the pain has passed, I will be whole again. Maybe I will be able to smile again without a trace of tears touching my eyes. Perhaps I will be able to let go and look forward to new beginnings.

But for now, just let me drown in my own sorrow. I need this. I need to cry to heal. What did I do wrong? Dan tells me not to blame myself - in fact, everyone tells me that. But why did it happen to me? Is it really part of God’s plan, or my fault?

At least I still have Eowyn. And I still have Dan. The loss doesn’t seem so bad if I count my blessings. But the pain is still there. I guess it will always be there.

Surprise!

Dan has a knack of doing the most unexpected things to surprise me. This morning while I was taking out the rice cooker pan to wash it, I was jolted out of my early morning sleepiness to find a new microwave on our counter! I squealed with delight. I’ve mentioned to him a few times before that I want to replace the old microwave that we got, but that always seemed to fall on deaf ears. So you can just imagine my surprise to find this brand new, gleaming black microwave this morning in my kitchen. I love you, daddy! You’re the best!

What is your name?

Ok, here’s another Wyn update that I should have written months ago. Shortly after Eowyn turned two, she is able to answer these basic questions:

• What is your name?
• How old are you?
• Where do you live?
• What is your daddy’s name?
• What is your mommy’s name?

Now if Wyn ever gets lost (knock on wood a gazillion times!!!), at least she can tell people the most essential stuff about her.

Pregnancy and Morning Sickness

What morning sickness? Just kidding! While I do have bouts of nausea, I’m happy to say that they’re nowhere near as bad as my first pregnancy. I hope I’m not speaking too soon though, but at this point (I’m already 8 weeks along) I really still can eat anything I want and keep it down. Sometimes I would throw up when I’m brushing my teeth or when I smell something I don’t like. But otherwise, I would be perfectly fine. I am always tired though, and a few nights ago, I had a little bit of spotting after vigorously cleaning the tub. Dan always tells me to take it easy and rest when I’m tired. And I should listen to my body too. The first trimester is a delicate time of the pregnancy so I should be very careful. And I am! Just help me pray that my nausea and morning sickness will never worsen! Other than that, all is well, folks!

Eowyn has always been a good talker, so when she mispronounces words, I just find it very cute. A few nights ago, after reading a book with bicycles on it, we switched to an “ABC” book and I asked her to identify the letters and drawings on the pages. She confidently and correctly named each and every item in the book until we got to the letter X.

 When I asked her what the picture was, she paused for a moment, and answered me uncertainly: “Um… bisophone?”

 I tried hard not to laugh as I corrected her. “That’s not a bisophone, Wyn. That’s a xylophone.”

 To which she replied, “Right, a xylophone!” Smart girl!

 Story No. 2

 Last night, while I was resting in bed, father and daughter burst into the bedroom together. Wyn was carrying her Pooh book with the magnetic erase board.

 ”Tell mommy what you want to draw,” Dan prodded her.

 My little angel sat right next to me and then told me “Appezood! I want an appezood, mommy!”

 ”What?” I shot an inquiring glance at Dan, who was laughing loudly.

 ”Appezood!” Eowyn insisted.

 ”A what, babe?” I asked again. I had no clue what she was talking about.

 ”Appezood! Appezood!” Wyn chirped.

 By this time, Dan was already doubling up in laughter. When he finally managed to talk, he told me “She meant trapezoid.”

 Oh. I patted Wyn’s hair and asked her to repeat after me: “Can you say tra-pe-zoid?”

 ”Ta-pe-zoid,” she mimicked slowly.

 ”Good job, Wyn!” I praised her. “Can you say it again?”

 ”Appezood!”

 I scratched my head in resignation. Appezood it is then. Hey, she’s only two years old, you know.

My first inkling that I was infanticipating again was a missed period last month. That, coupled with very mild nausea and urges to throw up at the most unexpected moments. When my period still hadn’t come by the second week of September, Dan bought a home pregnancy test kit for me. And what d’ya know, the result came back positive within seconds of my pee soaking the strip! Too much hCG hormones, I guess.

Last Friday, we had a doctor’s appointment to confirm the pregnancy. Yes, I am positively carrying a baby again! The feeling is surreal, knowing that I’ll be a mommy again by late spring next year. I hope this time it will be a boy, but if it’s another girl, I’ll enjoy her just as well! Eowyn is such an angel and if the new baby is going to be anything like her, I’ll take that anytime!

So here I am, facing another bout of nausea and vomiting. Thank goodness it’s very, very mild though. Compared with my first pregnancy, this is a breeze although the nausea still gets a little overwhelming sometimes. But at least I can enjoy my meals and manage to keep down what I ate. And I am always tired but I guess that is to be expected though.

Finally, I want to thank everyone for all the prayers and the well wishes. Indeed this is going to be one exciting journey again. I’ll try to keep you updated as much as I can. Till later, allygater!

Last Monday, we celebrated Dan’s birthday (his 40th!) with a cozy barbeque right in our lawn. It was just the two of us, happy and content in our own little world, savoring the decadent taste of grilled burgers and stir-fried vegetables, contemplating the vastness of the woods just beside our property, and enjoying the warmth of the fire as the late summer evening grew colder. Eowyn, dressed in full fall gear (poncho, sweater, leggings, boots), was in her element: twirling around the rugged stone pit that Dan just made and waving her pink and purple butterfly bubble wands as she laughed and counted from one till fourteen at the top of her lungs, her baby voice echoing in the stillness of the night. As the stars appeared and the moon cast a lovely silhouette on our spacious grounds, a deep sense of euphoria filled my heart. I have everything I can ever need. Life is good. Happy birthday, daddy!